Waistline Watchers
by Lauren Ryland/Arthur Simone

Lauren:  (enters with jar full of a broth-looking liquid)) Child Jeanette, I’m going to go start my meeting, could you file this under Jay Vickers.  (hands him cards) Also, try using these new customer care pitches for prospective clients.

Jeanette:           I listen and obey, Program Leader!  (Lauren exits, Frank enters)  Welcome to Waistline Watchers!  (reading from card) Can I help you, fatass?

Frank:  (taken aback just a bit) I… I just came in for some information… (truth comes out, crying) NO!  I came because Debbie dumped me for Greg Loughanis .

Jeanette:   Well, we certainly welcome emotionally battered prospective clients! (reading) This program teaches you to lose weight without ever feeling deprived… (smiles, reads card again to finish) fatass.

Frank:  Um, that sounds great.  Will this program cost me an arm and leg?

Jeanette:  You pay as you go. (tearing up cards) I’ll be honest with you, I’m really happy here. You’ll love the Program Leader.  Fill this out and you can join the meeting going on right now.

Frank:  Okay.  (Fills out a form)

Jeanette:  (still smiling broadly) Done?

Frank:  Almost.

Jeanette:  Done?

Frank:  Almost!

Jeanette:  (tsking) Lost her to a gay guy.

Frank:  What’s that?

Jeanette:  I said, You done?

Frank: (signs)  yes….

Jeanette:  (giving Frank a name sticker) Well, go on in!

(There are 2 people in audience.  They all seem very strung out yet committed to this meeting.)

Lauren:  (Holding a stuffed animal.)  …and so, we use our “anchor” to give some tangible significance to the weight loss experience.  Now, do we have any celebrations this week?

Adam:  (only has one arm) I lost 12 pounds this week, Program Leader!

Lauren:  (goes over and gives hug and stickers) Congratulations, Child Adam!  Stickers!! You are lookin’ real good.  A little lopsided.  We have some zinc tablets available at the front desk for only $35.99.   Okay!  Anyone else!?!

Betty:  I lost 1 pound but I’m feeling really dizzy.

Lauren:  Fatass!  Imbecile!  You get the Stickers of Shame!!  (Adam points and laughs at Betty's expense) Some zinc tablets will teach you a lesson, you hideous cow!  Front desk, $35.99.  (Spooning up ice cream- as she eats, she gets her shirt really messy and talks with her mouth full of food) Okay, class dismissed, new members reveal yourselves!

Frank:  I guess that’s me.

Lauren:  (gives Frank a nasty look before reading name sticker) All right, "Frank"!  Let's talk about your weight goals.  (Frank tries to speak, Lauren silences him) No, no! I'll tell you... (eats a spoonful of Crisco)  Let's face it, Child, there is no substitute for food.  It loves us as no one else can.

Frank:  I don’t understand.

Lauren:  (Gobbles down a handful of cake) And chocolate cake helps too!

Frank:  I love chocolate cake, but how am I supposed to-

Lauren:  Chocolate cake can heal the wounds of all your broken relationships…

Frank:  (Sobbing) Debbie!!  (visions appear)

Ghost of Debbie:  Frank, you are too fat for sex!

Ghost of Greg Loughanis (Arthur in his speedo?):  All sex! (visions disappear)

Lauren:  We know Debbie very well here.

Frank:  (sniffles) How do you know Debbie?

Lauren:  (changing subject)  Let Program Leader and cake help you this time of distress.

Frank:  But wait a minute!  Why are you so thin?

Lauren:  I am glad you asked, Child Frank.  The trick is in the wrist and extra water.  (Drinks a glass of water.)  Dear god, what have I just done!?? 

(Lauren sticks her fingers down her throat and regurgitates the sweets into a bucket.  She weeps from the effort.)  

Lauren:  No guilt!  Weight in check!  (painful, pathetic cry) I'm so thin!!!!

Frank:  So this is like an eating disorder?

Lauren:  Of course not, Child!  This is a emotionally balanced technique that’s a proven route to a successful, thin lifestyle! 

Frank:  Let me think about this.

Lauren:  Too late for that.  Now, it’s all in the position of the fingers.  Or your can buy an Inducer Stick for only $12.95 at the front desk!  (hands Frank a handful of cake and Crisco) You’re going to be very happy here!  (to Jeanette, handing her the bucket)  Child Jeanette, can you file this?  (exits while she opens prescription container of pills and downs them all)

END