(A very loving couple stands on top of three chairs peering out into the distance. A third person stands without bringing attention to herself.)

Richard: Aaaaand, open them!

Rachael: (surprised) Oh, wow, we’re in a balloon!

Richard: Surprise! (takes it in) Wow, this is really something!

Rachael: You can see Wisconsin for miles and miles around! Look, there’s a farm!

Richard: Yeah! You know, this would be the perfect romantic moment except…

(blast from balloon)

Rachael: What?

Richard: Oh, never mind, it’s not important.

Rachael: I knew it! You hate my new haircut!

Richard: Freeze. (Rachael freezes) Okay, There are lots of little things I hate about Rachel, like when she has ‘sleep’ in her eyes. Or she has a bit of pussywillow fluff in her nose, or popcorn stuck in her gums. Or when she uses the wrong fork or speaks, god I really hate that! Yes, I hate her hair, but do you want to be the one to tell her that? Resume. (unfreeze) No, it’s not that, pickle, I think it’s a great look! Very Bette Midler.

Rachael: (flattered) Really? Okay, then what’s the problem?

Robert: There’s no problem, just…

Rachael: Freeze. (Richard freezes) Like hell there’s no problem! He may hate my hair, but at least I don’t masturbate with my comatose mother’s prosthetic hand. Okay, maybe I’m not being fair- I can be testy at times. How can I not be, with genital warts so painful I have to keep them constantly doused in gasoline? I just wish he’d be more assertive and less of a pussy, but do you want to be the one to tell him that? Resume. (unfreeze) I’m sorry, pickle. I think we both might have a problem we need to address. Let’s be honest with one another.

Richard: Exactly, I knew you’d understand. I’ve been thinking about how to say it, but…

Rachael & Richard: Honey, there’s something about yourself that you need to know about…

(Ear-piercing blast interrupts caused by the hot air balloon operator pulling a cord.)

Richard: (after a pause) What?

Rachael: I’m sorry?

Richard: Oh, you go first.

Rachael: Okay… well, um, what I have to tell you is… that… we’ve been seeing each other for some time now and I was thinking… Freeze. (freeze) I must kill him right now. A perfect opportunity for a little ‘balloon accident.’ Resume. (unfreeze) That you’re very important to me.

Richard: Really? Because I feel the same way! Freeze. (freeze) Balloon Operator Lady, I been seein’ you. I want you now and hard. Resume (unfreeze) I want to take this to the next level.

Rachael: Oh, Richard! Freeze. (freeze) He totally wants to have sex with that Balloon slut. Resume (unfreeze)

Richard: Oh, Rachel! Freeze. (freeze) I hate Rachel’s clothes. I hate how she smells. I hate the pussywillow in the nose. Resume (unfreeze)

Rachel: If you ask me, I’ll say yes! Freeze. (freeze) He’s obviously retarded to want me. He will be punished. Resume (unfreeze)

Richard: Will you… Freeze (freeze) Trash. Resume (unfreeze)

Rachel: …Marry you? Freeze (freeze) Man-whore. Resume (unfreeze)

Richard & Rachael: Yes!!

(Ear piercing blast from hot air balloon!)

Richard & Rachael: I Love you!!

Balloon Lady: Freeze (freeze) I killed my husband with a screwdriver and buried him under the doghouse. I wish these two the best of luck! Resume (unfreeze)

Richard & Rachael: And, scene!