ARTHURATTIC
A rising tide lifts all boats.
JASTROCHATTIC
Whatever floats your boat.
CHRISATTIC
I wish we had an axe or hatchet to bust through this roof.
JASTROCHATTIC
Hey, I hope we don’t axe-fixiate.
ARTHURATTIC
Axe me again, I’ll tell you the same.
TAMIATTIC
I wish we had evacuated. I wish they had funded the fucking levees. I wish we had just a fraction of the attention that New York got.
JASTROCHATTIC
Regis, I’d like to use my lifeline!
Tami jumps down as herself, yells at Jastroch, who freezes with everyone else.
TAMI
Stop cracking jokes, Attic Jastroch! They’re not funny!! We are going to drown!
Arthur jumps down.
ARTHUR
Tami, he’s just trying to lighten the situation. We’re comedians, it’s what we do.
Chris comes down.
TAMI
This is wrong, Arthur. It feels shitty.
CHRIS
It’s a shitty situation, Tami. We’re doing our best. Now, come back, we need you.
Tami sighs, all three return to the attic.
JASTROCHATTIC
(responding to water) Oh, hell, it’s still rising!
TAMIATTIC
Help us! I don’t want to die like this! Oh, this is so gross.
ARTHURATTIC
I didn’t think the water would be so warm.
CHRISATTIC
It feels like I just peed my leg.
JASTROCHATTIC
I wish we had a little dutch boy!
ARTHURATTIC
And what would a little dutch boy do, Jastroch?
JASTROCHATTIC
Stick his finger in a dike.
Jastroch jumps down.
JASTROCH
I hate that that got such a big laugh when we did the show in Dallas. I hate that they laughed at the n-word for the wrong reason. I hate that people still resist the idea of rebuilding New Orleans.
Arthur joins, then Tami.
ARTHUR
I hate that the levees still aren’t rebuilt to withstand Category 5. Hurricane season begins in May.
Arthur and Jastroch return to the attic.
CHRISATTIC
I hate it when the floodwater soaks through your pants and gets on your balls.
TAMI
I hate that they’re still finding bodies in the ninth ward, that the only major efforts to rebuild are in the asshole-rich sections of the city, that just because there were a few mardi gras parades that everything is fine.
CHRIS
Have fun up there.
TAMI
Hurricanes are NOT funny.
Tami scowls, then returns, Chris remains.
JASTROCHATTIC
Hey, how long do you think it will take for them to find our bodies?
ARTHURATTIC
Well, the most important question, is it skeletons in the attic or skeletons in the closet?
JASTROCHATTIC
Closet.
TAMIATTIC
You think we’ll be on the same improv team in the afterlife?
CHRIS
We’re doing better now in Austin, and that’s tough to come to terms with. I hate that I didn’t lose more or suffer more, I hate that the only place where I can keep my hopes alive is away from the city that I love. But Hurricanes ARE funny, check this out...
Chris returns
CHRISATTIC
Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve had it up to *here* with this floodwater.
TAMIATTIC
I think I just snorted water up my nose.
JASTROCHATTIC
Lovey, you should try treading water.
ARTHURATTIC
Don’t tread on me!
JASTROCHATTIC
Hey, how about some hotoil tread-ment?
CHRISATTIC
Hey, you wanna tread spots?
Tami has drowned, steps down.
CHRISATTIC
Gina!
Chris has drowned
ARTHURATTIC
Hey, what did the drowning frenchman say to the fish?
JASTROCHATTIC
(laughs and sputters)
ARTHURATTIC
Fin.
Jastroch & Arthur Step down. Beat.
JASTROCH
Hurricanes are NOT funny.
ARTHUR
Hurricanes ARE funny.
Chris farts. THE END